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Here’s What I Know

I’ve met love before. I’ve met it in different forms. I’ve met it when it was for me and when it was no longer mine. I’ve met it when it wasn’t enough and when I wasn’t enough. I’ve met it when it was all I had left to believe in and I’ve met it when I didn’t even know it was meant to exist for me.

I’ve also gotten to know love. I’ve known it when it moved away, when it argued with me and when it decided it was no longer meant to be in the picture. I’ve known it when timing was right and wrong. I’ve known it even after every wrong turn. I’ve known it when I had to face it in confrontations, when songs suddenly felt like I was listening to it with a new pair of ears, and when it waited long enough and hit me on the head with a hammer to prove it was right in front of me the whole entire time.

I didn’t know I’d have such a personal description of love even when it’s not really at the front steps of my door right now. I didn’t know I’d have an experience that’d help me determine what’s good for me and what isn’t, what to believe and what to pass right through— Love to me is getting hit by a train I never saw coming. It was saying it out loud for the first time like it was my first time coming up for air after being under water for who knows how long. Love never disguised itself, it just waited for me to notice it. It was obvious even for the most oblivious.

However, love was also life showing me how vulnerable and fragile it could be. Love is precious and it doesn’t always stay but it doesn’t make it any less meaningful. Love is choosing to do it all over again with the same outcome versus choosing to keep the person forever on the condition of love never taking its course. Love, real love, is acceptance. Accepting that you know how powerful it is and the many forms it comes in. Love is a power I cannot time and more importantly, I shouldn’t regret.

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truths

Here’s a simple truth that I think we all need to face up to: the people we meet at the wrong time are actually just the wrong people.

You never meet the right people at the wrong time because the right people are timeless.

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life, personal, self reflection

Not Okay is still… Okay.

The older I get, the older my friends get, the more I realize why we struggle with our mental health because we have such high aspirations. We want to be everything we can be. We want to be successful in our careers. We want the career that never feels like work because we love it that much but we also want the career that satisfies everything we’re capable of. We want stability. We want to be our best looking selves, we want health to live on as long as God lets us. We want to be understood. We want to be married to the love of our life, the one who didn’t mind battling all the dragons, sailing the shipwrecks, and jumping skyscrapers to get to us. We want the families we’ve dreamed of where our kids grow up together and fall in love with a better world that we’ve tried so hard to help change the world we’re currently in.

But all of these things are so overwhelmingly heart aching to have because they don’t always turn out the way we planned. We weren’t owed anything to go the way we wanted and I understand that but I’m just starting to understand more that some experiences are harder lessons to learn from. But here’s the reminder I forget all too often: It is okay to not be okay. It is okay to take the time to swallow every hard pill life gives us instead of overdosing from it. I kept telling myself that not being okay is the worst thing to be that I have to be okay right now, this instant or else I’ll never be. There’s no time limit to be okay and even if I’m not as okay as others expect of me, I SHOULDN’T care. If I’m still broken, I’m still broken and it’s no one else’s job to fix me or else that be yet another harder thing to learn if I can’t piece myself back together.

To myself and to my friends, it is completely okay to not be okay. If we mentally assume that the world expects so much from us then we’re never going to feel like we’re good enough because there’s always going to feel like there’s more we need to do.

Today, I’m writing this because even though I’m not okay (yet), I’m enough. I’m enough to get all the I have yet to have, to find that love of my life still looking out there for me, and I’m enough for myself without having to make all the stupid decisions and bad judgement calls along the way.

If I wasn’t enough for you anymore, if I never felt like I was enough for you then, I’ll make sure to work on being enough for me now.

And after that, I’ll be okay again.

(Maybe even better than okay.)

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personal, self reflection

2017 Demons, 2018 Hopefuls

Here is the motto for the year: Don’t look into the future worrying, don’t look back to the past regretting but stay in the present simply living.

Life is measured in countless of ways but some of the easiest ways are by years. You recognize the years you’ve accomplished the most, you’ve stressed out the most, and that you’ve grown the most. As every year has it— There are your good and bad. As for 2017, I had my angels and demons. I’ve found love in someone, confidence in myself, and empathy in everyone else. However, I also found lack of faith, an abundance of doubt, and a handful of worries. You can never beat life and the game you’re playing but 2017 has taught me that you can learn how to play differently. My fair share of demons this year has reminded me that the only critic, the only enemy, and the only bad guy I need to beat is still me. Yes, you can lose control of where your mind goes but you can still gain that control back if you fight hard enough for it.

As 2018 has finally made its appearance— I am currently finding out just how much I’ve grown last year and just how much I need to practice my new found growth in wisdom, emotions, and actions. I need to be on my own side this year. I need to be my own hero. I need to retire from being the own villain of my story. 2018 is the fresh start I need and I have already welcomed it with new perspectives.

There is a beauty in the struggle of growing up and reaching your very own A-Ha moment that now it’s just time to mature even that much more. This is the first time in awhile that the beginning of a year actually felt like a clean slate.

Like many sayings go, it is never too late to figure out who you want to be. So let’s make this year a year of defining just that.

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life, personal, self reflection

Here are your Reminders for 2017

  1. Your family is safe, healthy, and happy. You can’t beat that these days. There’s many reasons to be thankful for these blessings alone.
  2. Your friends— Many have come, few have gone and you are still left with an army of beautiful souls. You choose quality over quantity and years later, the individuals you have are a prime example of just that. Love them, love who you’ve crossed paths with.
  3. Your jobs may not be your careers but you cannot say that they aren’t something that defines your passion, your hard-work, and dedication to leaving some mark in this world. Now go for your end game and get the job you’ll love forever. You’ve reached your mark with the two jobs you’re in and you’re beyond ready to experience the next and hopefully final career chapter!
  4. Your boyfriend is someone that God probably planned to have you meet at just the right time and 2017 was it. J. Cardwell is someone who not only loves you for the smallest of details but has never proven to love you any less than the moment he first said those words. You have an incredible man on your side who cannot wait to see where the future takes you. He loves you each day, everyday, and makes your heart skip and beat simply for being as genuinely in love with you as you are with him. Keep falling in love with him, its not something that many are graced with these days. So keep the kind of love that is sincere and rare closest to you for as long as you are meant to.
  5. Your fears, struggles, and doubts— These are blessings in disguise. They are meant to strengthen and test the good in you. The best in you. We all have insecurities and hesitations but we need to accept them for what they are because if it weren’t for these things, we would not have any challenge to reach the kind of success, love, and patience we deserve. One thing to remember the most: Don’t let your fears, struggles, and doubts define you. Let them push you harder to grab hold of all the best things in life that you are completely deserving of. Once you have the best things in life, appreciate them.

2017 has some time left and you have some time to remember what you have. Don’t disregard yourself because you’re scared that you don’t deserve what has come into your life. Whomever and whatever that has come into your life this year was completely meant to happen for the best. So breathe it in and don’t think about what you can lose, rather think about how much more you can gain.

End the year reminding yourself to love yourself some more so the new year, you will.

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2017, life, personal

“May you surprise me in ways 2016 hasn’t”

Oh my have you surprised me. A little more than a quarter left of 2017 and your surprises are just gracing me with some kind of amazing I didn’t expect— Which makes it even better.

You’ve granted me love.

You’ve granted me confidence.

You’ve granted me peace.

You’ve granted me reassurance.

You’ve granted me forgiveness.

You’ve granted me faith.

You’ve granted me calmness.

You’ve granted me maturity.

I am in love with life as it continues to unfold. I am in such awe of how incredibly different life has turned. Growing up is still a trap! I whole-heartedly believe that but when given someone who reminds you it’s worth going through, growing up isn’t too dreadful.. Highs, lows, and all that in between. In fact, it becomes exciting again. Especially when you see yourself growing for the better. I am in love with life again and that was restarted by you. You’ve granted me the best times so far this year and if you only knew how excited I am for what’s to come. I’m going to call it now— You are my greatest surprise of the year.

I love you. 

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personal, self reflection

Keep Chasing.

I read recently that life for Cancers in the month of April will be about cleansing. I take every horoscope reading with a grain of salt but a week in and it hasn’t been wrong. April is starting to be a month of clearing out what has been to reflecting on what will be. Reflecting over how much I’ve grown from exactly a year ago and where I can see myself a year later.

A year ago– I was unemployed, single, and unsure of anything I wanted in life.

A year later– I have two part-time jobs I love, I’m single (AFTER experiencing my first somewhat long-term relationship), and I’ve scratched the surface of what I want.

It’s a Friday night and I am going through old photos making sense of where my head was all week. It was such a long week because I was figuring out everything that happened in the past year from how it happened to how it ended to what now? I’m always chasing after my past only to realize how twisted and immovable I make myself if I allow this habit to keep going. I’m going after who I’ve been, how I felt, what I did.. My head is going in the wrong direction when I have all the tools and incentives to chase after who I’ll be tomorrow. But I acknowledge my past too much because I like seeing the tiny details I’ve missed. The underlying meanings behind why I was who I was before I take on who I’m supposed to be tomorrow.

A year ago, I was understanding love in various ways. I was understanding what it meant to love what you do on a regular basis that the word “work” hardly ever existed. I was understanding what it meant to love (strongly like) someone simply for who they are and to constantly be fascinated by them in ways I didn’t know I’d be so entranced by. I was understanding what it meant to love myself when I realized I never had.

And now a year later– I’m still trying to understand love and how to appreciate love in the life I’m in. Much to be thankful for but still much more to learn.

New perspective: Chase after tomorrow. Chase after who you will be not after who you were.  

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